At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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