I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
