So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
