my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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