she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
