Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
