i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
