smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
