toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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