Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
God, I missed his penis.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
