i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
