apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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