Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
BRING THE BAGELS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
