You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
