he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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