I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
