All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
