pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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