i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
