Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
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So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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