I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
