I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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