"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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