O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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