I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
