he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
