My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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