I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
