Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
