so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
