I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
