are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
