I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
