Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
