The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
