One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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