you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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