nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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