I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Its about making memories worth repressing
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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