Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
