Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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