I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
