Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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