shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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