you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
