just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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