Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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