Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
