Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
