HIV tests are more positive than that guy
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
