meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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