I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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