So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Screwed.edu
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dignity is for republicans.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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