Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
