rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
