apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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