I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
