peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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