I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
