wakey wakey hands off snakey
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
