FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
